I am not very good at positive reflection. Actually I suck at it. Let’s face it, negative reflection is much easier and wallowing in self-pity…I’m great at it! But I have learned quite a lot this past year. The most important thing I have learned is that 1) I will always be a “work in progress” and that’s ok. I realized that when I lost the desire to keep moving forward, when I just got comfortable with the crap because it was easier, I became stagnant. And just like a farm pond in the summer I got stinky and who I really am started to drain away. (Ok I cracked myself up at that analogy!) But it’s true!
2) Never be afraid to ask “Why?”. A friend recently ask me why I put up a Christmas tree and hang stockings? She grew up in a Christian home but did not have a tree, gifts, stockings or Santa. Her family actually celebrated the birth of Jesus on Christmas! Great concept! I was pretty embarrassed when I could not answer the question. My first response was “Because that is what we have always done.” Wow, how lame. (I actually had to Google the history of the Christmas tree, and it isn’t that great.) Then I started thinking….how many things do we do in the name of tradition or in our everyday lives “just because that is what we have always done, or because that is what we were raised to do?”. Shouldn’t we know WHY we carry on traditions and pass them to our children? It is our responsibility to be mindful of our actions, not just to take the easy way out with a sorry excuse! “Just because it is what we have always done” is a pretty piss-poor way to exist without being aware of the “WHY?”. And who knows, we just might learn something interesting!
3) I am my own worst enemy. I am very good at thinking that I have to “take care” of everyone else and forget about taking care of me! Truth is, it is very hard to “take care” of someone else and actually make a difference if your own life is in the potty. (Potty, not my first word choice, but it will do.) Why do I do it? I have realized that it is so easy to want to help others with their problems, issues, whatever, because it keeps me from having to deal with my own. Let’s face it, as humans our nature is to be people pleasers and recognition seekers. So much so that we become someone we are not just to gain acceptance or keep peace in our lives. Many times I have heard the phrase “Life’s A Stage”. That is great as long as we don’t get stuck in the “role” we are playing and lose who we really are. I compromised and I lost myself. I lost myself to the point that I didn’t recognize me, hell I didn’t even like me, and was almost to the point of no return. Then God intervened. He kept me from falling into that dark abyss where I was headed at about 100 mph. He made me ask myself “Why?” and honestly, I didn’t like the answers. He, along with great family and friends, helped me take stock of my world, helped me purge the negative and start to regain myself. And please do not think that this is easy or instantaneous! This has been taking place for over a year, it has been very hard and I still have to consciously fight the negativity that clouds my mind and threatens to take me down every day. But it gets a little easier all the time! “Life is full of compromises” some say. Sure, we daily compromise little things in our life, in our job and with our family. But when we are asked to compromise ourselves, our beliefs, our being who we really are…..this is a great time to stop and ask ourselves “Why?”.
So my goal for 2015. Don’t get so busy and comfortable with everyday tasks and traditions that I forget to stop to ask myself “why” I do the things I do. If I am satisfied with the answer and it gives me peace I will move on. If not, I will take stock, regroup, and start my own traditions! God Bless!